Date: August 30th, 2011
To: Richard Brockmeyer, Director of Plant Operations
From: Ian Coppock
Subject: URGENT
Hello Richard. My name is Ian Coppock and I’m a mail sorter working out of the campus post office. I and my coworkers need your expertise in a problem that’s arisen in the post office.
Yesterday evening, one of the mail room’s three industrial copiers suffered a malfunction and no longer works. Jessica Lind, my coworker, has inspected the machine and believes that an internal mechanical failure has caused it to shut down. At optimal capacity, the copier can produce 200 copies in one hour, or about a third of our total potential output. Without the copier, our capacity to produce print jobs efficiently will suffer, resulting in a marked breakdown in communication and education efficiency across campus. I’ve met with my coworkers to procure a solution to this problem, and we brainstormed a few potential solutions that we’d like to share with you.
After speaking with a representative from Xerox, we’ve learned that simply repairing the copier will cost roughly $300 and take approximately two days of time. While this is the cheapest solution, we’ve also agreed that this machine is aging. Replacing it with a new copier will, in the long run, prove the better solution. While a new copier’s $4,000 price tag is admittedly high, it is able to print 300 copies in one hour, upgrading our capacity to maintain efficient campus-wide communications by 30%. This morning I floated this idea to a maintenance manager, who also agreed that getting a copier might be the more efficient solution.
I appreciate your taking the time to read my message and contemplate our ideas. Please respond to this message quickly, and we will make all efforts to implement your decision and make this portion of plant operations running at top efficiency once again. Thank you for your time.
I corresponded with the Xerox mechanic and the Xerox salesman by email. I’ve attached the transcripts of both conversations below, for your convenience.
Hi Ian,
ReplyDeleteAs I said in class, very well done. You build your case very well and present some good ideas.
Please see my comments below for some things to consider while your revise.
Also, try to cut your message by about 1/3. Look at every word and determine if it is necessary or whether things can be reworded in a simpler way while still conveying the same meaning.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
Jeff
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Format. I should have mentioned this in class the other day, but the letter should be in business letter format. Right now you have it in memo format. See the instructions on the assignment page for where to look for business letter format.
procure a solution -- In a letter, you want to avoid too formal language because it can turn off your reader. Just be simple and straight-forward and your reader will be happier.
Be specific about how old the machine is (approx. years). It will sound more impressive that way. You might also want to talk about average lifespan of a copier of this sort if it helps your argument.
Another thing to bring up is that it will likely break again (only bring this up if it is true) and that the replacement, while 10X the cost of repairing it, will save money in the long run.
Your last line should be in a P.S.